Your Kid's Starting Secondary School: A Dad's Guide to the Transition

Your kid is leaving primary school. The place where they've been for seven years — where they knew every teacher, every corridor, every playground rule. And now they're going somewhere ten times bigger, with a thousand kids they've never met, and they have to carry a rucksack the size of a small car.

It's a massive deal. For them and for you.

What changes (and what doesn't)

What changes

Independence jumps overnight. Walking to school, managing their own timetable, remembering six different books for six different lessons
Social dynamics shift. They're going from being the oldest in the school to the youngest. Friend groups reform. Some primary friendships survive. Some don't
Workload increases. Homework becomes regular and graded. Expectations around organisation go up dramatically
They start pulling away from you. This is normal, healthy, and still hurts

What doesn't change

They still need you — just differently
They still worry about fitting in, being liked, and getting things wrong
They still need a safe landing pad at home
They're still a child, even though they'll occasionally act like a stroppy teenager

Before they start: practical prep

Visit the school

Most secondary schools offer transition days in July (Year 6). If your child seems anxious, ask the school about additional visits. Many offer summer holiday "taster days" or activity mornings specifically for nervous starters.

The journey

If they're walking or cycling, practice the route together. Multiple times. Include the "what if the bus doesn't come" backup plan. Knowing the route removes a huge source of anxiety.

Equipment

Secondary schools are specific about equipment. Buy the right stuff:

Bag: A proper rucksack (not a drawstring bag — it won't last a week)
Pencil case: Stocked with the basics (pens, pencil, ruler, rubber, highlighters)
Combination lock: For their locker (practice the combination)
Planner/diary: Most schools provide one. Show them how to use it
Water bottle and lunch (labelled — things disappear)

The money conversation

Secondary school introduces financial independence. They'll need:

Money for the canteen (most schools use cashless systems — set it up early)
Possibly a bus pass
The understanding that you're not funding a daily Costa habit

The first term: what to expect

Weeks 1-3: The honeymoon

They'll come home exhausted, overwhelmed, and either talking non-stop or saying absolutely nothing. Both are normal. They might come home having made three new best friends or having spoken to nobody. Give it time.

Weeks 4-8: The reality

The novelty wears off. They start getting homework they don't understand. They can't find their way to Geography. Someone said something mean at lunch. This is when wobbles happen.

By Christmas: Settled (mostly)

Most kids find their feet by half-term. By Christmas, they've got a friendship group, know the school layout, and have worked out which teachers are strict and which ones aren't.

If they haven't settled by Christmas, that's when to have a conversation with their form tutor. Don't wait until Year 8.

How to stay connected when they go quiet

Pre-teens are biologically wired to start separating from parents. This is developmentally healthy and feels awful. Here's how to stay in their orbit:

1. Car conversations

Something about being side by side (not face to face) makes kids talk. Offer lifts. Play their music. Don't interrogate — just be available. Some of the best conversations happen at traffic lights.

2. Don't ask "How was school?"

You'll get "Fine" or "Good" every single time. Try:

"What was the best/worst thing today?"
"Did anything funny happen?"
"Who did you sit with at lunch?"
"What are you learning in [their favourite subject]?"

3. Be interested in their world

Their world is changing rapidly. They'll be into YouTube creators you've never heard of, music that sounds like noise, and friendship drama that feels ridiculous. It's not ridiculous to them. Take it seriously.

4. One-on-one time

Even 30 minutes of dedicated time makes a difference. A walk, a café trip, cooking together, watching something they choose. The activity matters less than the undivided attention.

5. Keep showing up

Go to parents' evenings. Watch their sports fixtures. Ask about their school play. Even if they act embarrassed, they notice when you're there. And they really notice when you're not.

The stuff that catches dads off guard

Friendship drama is constant

At 11-12, friendships are intense and volatile. Best friends one week, not speaking the next. Your instinct might be to dismiss it ("Just ignore them"), but social belonging is their primary concern at this age. Listen, validate, and only intervene if you suspect bullying.

Organisation is a learned skill

They will lose things. Constantly. PE kit, homework, planner, keys, brain. Don't rage about it — help them build systems. A checklist on the fridge. A specific hook for their bag. A Sunday evening "bag check" routine.

Their mood will be unpredictable

One minute they're laughing, the next they're sobbing, the next they're furious. Puberty is hitting. Their brain is literally rewiring itself. Don't take it personally (easier said than done).

Homework becomes your problem too

"Dad, can you help me with this?" is coming. And it'll be something you vaguely remember from 1998. That's fine. The point isn't knowing the answer — it's sitting next to them while they work it out. And Google exists.

When to worry

Most transition wobbles are temporary. But watch for:

Persistent school refusal (not just occasional reluctance)
Withdrawal from everything — friends, activities, family
Significant changes in eating or sleeping
Self-harm or talk of self-harm
Being bullied — physically, verbally, or online

If you see these signs, act quickly. Speak to their form tutor, Head of Year, or the school's pastoral team. Your GP can refer to CAMHS if needed.

Useful resources

Young Minds: youngminds.org.uk — parent resources for secondary transition
BBC Bitesize: bbc.co.uk/bitesize — revision and homework support
Parentkind: parentkind.org.uk — connecting parents with schools

FAQ

Should I let my Year 7 walk to school alone?

This depends on the route, distance, and your child's maturity. Many Year 7s walk in groups with friends. Practice the route, agree check-in rules (text when you arrive), and build up gradually. Starting with a walk together for the first week is sensible.

How much homework should they be getting?

The government suggests 45-90 minutes per day for Key Stage 3 (Years 7-9). In reality, it varies hugely by school. If they're spending 3 hours a night or getting none at all, that's worth raising with the school.

My child has no friends after the first month. Should I be worried?

Not necessarily — some kids take longer to find their people. Encourage them to join a club or activity where they'll meet like-minded kids. If they're actively being excluded or bullied, that's different — speak to the school.

The secondary transition is a big deal. But most kids are more resilient than we give them credit for. Your job is to be the steady presence while everything else changes.